I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
