mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
