i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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