You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
