Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
