Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
