Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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