I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
