i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
