I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
