I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
