I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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