Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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