I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
