Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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