I think I won the penis lottery.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
