It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
