Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
