Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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