you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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