1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
