low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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