Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
two words...techno handjob
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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