Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
