my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
