I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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