I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
