Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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