I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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