You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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