Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
