Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
