Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
