he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
