when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
