my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
