Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
