youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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