I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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