In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
