I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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