Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
