I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
