and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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