this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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