if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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