I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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