i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
me + whiskey = a bad person
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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