i need an iv and a liver transplant
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this will be a night to untag.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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