How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
