I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
