i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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