Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
