The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
